So, how are you feeling?

Well, I’m still here. Littlespud decided to stay put for a while and let mummy, daddy and crazypixie enjoy all the wedding festivities. And enjoy them we did.

Except, for one small thing…….I seem to have been perceived as some kind of freak show.

I understand people mean well and ,in fairness, I am pretty huge at the moment and my mother has been telling everyone (random strangers included) that I’m due any minute and that they didn’t even think I’d make the wedding, but….there are a few phrases I must have heard a hundred times in the last two days.

These include:

‘How are you feeling?’ Long stress on the ‘feeeeling’, and usually accompanied by a hand on the shoulder and concerned stare. I tried the nonchalant ‘I’m feeling fine, how are you?’ and, after an hour or two, the slightly more concise, ‘Pregnant.’

‘When are you due?’ A few times I went with honesty and answered, ‘Yesterday,’ but the hoo-haa that elicited was often more than I was able for. Once I muttered ‘September,’ and I think that poor lady is still looking at me.

‘Still here?’ Another phrase spoken with a smile and usually repeated by the same person every time they passed and with increasing frequency in direct correlation to the amount of alcohol they had consumed. ‘Ho, ho, yes, still here,’ I reply again and again.

‘Not going to pop on us now are you?’ This was usually accompanied by a nod and a wink, a favourite of uncle-types! ‘Any moment now!’ I muttered through smiling teeth.

‘Aren’t you great to be here in your condition?’ This is one I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to but I went with ‘Ah, sure, I’m only pregnant.’ Because it’s not as if I’ve been let out of the hospice for the occasion or anything.

I’ve debated using (and might yet):

‘Oh, I had the baby.’

‘Pregnant, me? No, do I look fat?’

or...

‘I’m feeling f*cking hormonal, so back off.’

Again, let me reiterate, I know people mean well and that they just can’t help using what must be the most obvious conversation opener but I’ve never been good at small talk or been able to handle fuss (give me a Pc to hide behind any day), so for the next few days I think it may be better if I just turn off the phone, keep my virtual self offline and generally hibernate until littlespud decides its time to meet the world.

And then…….I will text everyone, blog about the birth and update my facebook profile accordingly….unless I’m too busy with all the new baby fuss, of course!